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Alind's picture

Helew

1 hour 40 min ago
Aliakbar Majidi's picture

Hi, Oleks. Another compelling series of texts by you! I...

5 hours 57 min ago
Lynette's picture

Oleks you are very committed to learning English and I...

6 hours 9 min ago
Ros Watson's picture

Hi...

8 hours 1 min ago
Lynette's picture

Gracias Shazam por tu...

11 hours 6 min ago

Jump 12

It was scary to jump, but most of all I was afraid to lose control of myself and to do something, stupid and cowardly. We were told that the plane rose to a height of 8000 meters, and it was time to jump.
The plane veered, and the first row, that sat across from me began to jump out of the hatch. Then the turn of our row came. I was the first.
I got up on jelly legs and fell out of the hatch somehow. I am afraid they helped me with a push. It was outrageous, I would jump myself.
There were no thoughts; they all disappeared somewhere. At first, only white fog stood before my eyes. I flew somewhere; it was like an astral journey or a dream. It was uncomfortable though because I was spun and thrown in different directions. No wonder, on earth we had been warned about the turbulent airflows the aircraft makes.

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CategoryAdequate to goodGood to ExcellentNeeds work
Accent

The learner's ability to pronounce words shared by the people of a particular country or region of the language they are learning.

Good effort at accent. Quite close to that of a native speaker
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Excellent effort at accent. Extremely close to that of a native speaker.
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Limited effort at accent. Definitely a non-native speaker
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Fluency

The learner's ability to speak continuously by chunking and linking words together. For example, instead of saying very slowly, "I - am - poor. I - have - no - money" like a robot, a fluent speaker would say, "I'm poor because I don't have any money."

Speech is relatively smooth; some hesitation and unevenness caused by rephrasing and searching for words
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Smooth and fluid speech; few to no hesitations; no attempts to search for words; volume is excellent
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Speech is frequently hesitant with some sentences left uncompleted
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Intonation

The learner's ability to understand the relative emphasis that may be given to certain syllables in a word, or to certain words in a phrase or sentence

Able to identify and produce correct intonation, word stress and rhythm patterns with 50-90% accuracy.
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Able to identify and produce correct intonation, word stress and rhythm patterns with 90-100% accuracy.
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Able to identify and produce correct intonation, word stress and rhythm patterns with < 50% accuracy
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Pronunciation

The learners' ability to enunciate the various consonants, consonant blends, vowels, and vowel blends in words, words linked together, and words in sentences.

The pronunciation contained some individual word pronunciation errors. Around 3-4 errors
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The pronunciation is exceptional and mirrors a native speaker. Shows a clear understanding of word stress and intonation. Only 0-2 errors
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The pronunciation is inconsistent and made it difficult to understand. 5 or more errors
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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5415

Hi Oleks,

Wow! You are incredibly brave. I would be petrified in that situation. They should not have pushed you though - that is very irresponsible of them. Did you complain about it afterwards?

With regards to your written and spoken English, I have  the following comments to add...

  • to do something, stupid and cowardly you don't need a comma after the word something.[to do something stupid and cowardly]
  • We were told that the plane rose to a height of 8000 meters, and it was time to jump. - [We were told that it was time for us to jump when the plane reached a height of 8,000 metres] (Describing the main, key action at the beginning of the sentence makes it clearer)
  • The plane veered, and the first row, that sat across from me began to jump out of the hatch No need for the commas after "veered" and "row"
  • I got up on jelly legs This is not grammatically wrong, but it sounds a bit strange. I would say "I got up and my legs were like jelly"
  • I would jump myself. You need the type 3 conditional here. I would have jumped myself.
  • No wonder, on earth  You do not need the "on earth" phrase in this context. "No wonder we had been warned about / they had warned us about the...
5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5415

With regards to your pronunciation of the word "fog", it sounded a bit like "foc" when you pronounced it. I would recommend that you put more emphasis on the "g" sound a the end of the word. Watch a video like this for ome guidance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tpsRsdY9iw

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5415

Also you are "afraid of something" in English. I was afraid to lose control of myself  I was afraid of losing control of myself

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Edhutchins88,
Thank you for your comments! Now I understand of 3 type of contitional slightly better. With regard to your question: no, I didn't complain. I understand them: they had a strict schedule and they did not have time to wait.

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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
5164

Hi Oleks - I have changed as little as possible because I wanted to keep the essence of the writing which is so good.  And anyway, Ed has already done a great job!  Good pronunciation.  Try to listen to some more native English speaking to improve your intonation.  I have attached a link to a British Council listening exercise because I think the speaker is particularly good!  It's an interesting topic too.  See what you think!  https://learnenglish.britishcouncil.org/advanced-c1-listening/introverts-redressing-balance

It was scary to jump, but most of all I was afraid to lose control of myself and to do something, stupid and cowardly. We were told that the plane rose had risen to a height of 8000 meters, and it was time to jump. [It's good to use the past perfect here to show that the plane had risen to this height before you jumped]

The plane veered, and the first row, that sat across from me began to jump out of the hatch. Then the turn came for our row to jump of our row came. I was the first.

I got up on jelly legs When I got up, my legs felt like jelly [you can't really use "jelly legs" unfortunately as it's not a recognised idiom!] and but I fell out of the hatch somehow. I am afraid they helped me with a push. It was outrageous! I would have jumped myself!

There were no thoughts; they all disappeared somewhere. At first, only white fog stood appeared before my eyes. I flew somewhere; it was like an astral journey or a dream. It was uncomfortable though because I was spun and thrown in different directions. No wonder! On earth we had been warned about the turbulent airflows the aircraft makes would make.

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Ros,
Thank you for your comment. Your greatly improved my text. About your link: this is a very informative article and very clear diction.

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kjcoffin's picture
I learn : Spanish (Intermediate)
2230

It was scary to jump, but most of all I was afraid to lose control of myself and to do something (no comma) stupid and cowardly. We were told that the plane rose to a height of 8000 meters, and then it was time to jump.

The plane veered (no comma) and the first row (no comma) that sat across from me began to jump out of the hatch. Then the turn of our row came Then it was our row's turn to jump/Then it came time for our row to jump. I was the first.

I got up on jelly legs and fell out of the hatch somehow. I am afraid they helped me with a push. It was outrageous, I would jump myself.

There were no thoughts. They all disappeared somewhere. At first, only white fog stood before my eyes. I flew somewhere and it was like an astral journey or a dream. It was uncomfortable though because I was spun and thrown in different directions. No wonder! On earth we had been warned about the turbulent airflows the aircraft makes.

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Kjcoffin,
Thank you for your comment! "Then it came time for our row to jump" sounds much better.

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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
5998

Good job again, Oleks. The story is getting more interesting. Keep going!

It was scary to jump, but most of all I was afraid to lose of losing control of myself and to do something, [no comma] stupid and cowardly. We were told that the plane rose to a height of 8000 meters, and it was time to jump. When the plane rose to a height of 8000 meters, it was time for us to jump.

The plane veered, [no comma] and the first row, [no comma] that sat across from me began to jump out of the hatch. Then the turn of our row came. I was the first.

I got up on jelly legs and my legs were like jelly and fell out of the hatch somehow. I am was afraid they would helped me with a push. It was outrageous, I would have jumped myself.

There were no thoughts [Do you mean nobody would think about it and would just jump?]; they all disappeared somewhere. At first, only white fog stood before my eyes. I flew somewhere; it was like an astral journey or a dream. It was uncomfortable though, [comma needed] because I was spun and thrown in different directions. No wonder, on earth we had been warned about the turbulent airflows the aircraft makes while we were on the ground.

For a quick guide on how to use comma in English, please visit: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Aliakbar,
Thank you for your comment and link. I must finally deal with this comma. About "there was no thought": I think I should have added "in my mind."

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