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Alind's picture

Helew

1 hour 46 min ago
Aliakbar Majidi's picture

Hi, Oleks. Another compelling series of texts by you! I...

6 hours 2 min ago
Lynette's picture

Oleks you are very committed to learning English and I...

6 hours 14 min ago
Ros Watson's picture

Hi...

8 hours 7 min ago
Lynette's picture

Gracias Shazam por tu...

11 hours 12 min ago

Jump 5

Yesterday, I made a small digression; now I want to return to my story.
So after the little practice, we went home, to come back tomorrow morning.
It was Saturday morning when I came to the club. It turned out that the only girl who wanted to jump did not come.
Her friends who came yesterday with her giggled about it. Like she told them she got sick. No one believed it.
At first, the parachutes have been folded, on the sidewalk in front of the club before our eyes. The group of skydivers was getting ready to jump with us; so they folded their parachutes and our ones. By the way, several girls were among them.
The airfield was at the other end of the city. I went there with friends of that missing girl; they came in a car to the club. The rest went by an army truck.
(to be continued)

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CategoryAdequate to goodGood to ExcellentNeeds work
Accent

The learner's ability to pronounce words shared by the people of a particular country or region of the language they are learning.

Good effort at accent. Quite close to that of a native speaker
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Excellent effort at accent. Extremely close to that of a native speaker.
People thought this
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Limited effort at accent. Definitely a non-native speaker
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Fluency

The learner's ability to speak continuously by chunking and linking words together. For example, instead of saying very slowly, "I - am - poor. I - have - no - money" like a robot, a fluent speaker would say, "I'm poor because I don't have any money."

Speech is relatively smooth; some hesitation and unevenness caused by rephrasing and searching for words
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Smooth and fluid speech; few to no hesitations; no attempts to search for words; volume is excellent
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Speech is frequently hesitant with some sentences left uncompleted
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Intonation

The learner's ability to understand the relative emphasis that may be given to certain syllables in a word, or to certain words in a phrase or sentence

Able to identify and produce correct intonation, word stress and rhythm patterns with 50-90% accuracy.
People thought this
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Able to identify and produce correct intonation, word stress and rhythm patterns with 90-100% accuracy.
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Able to identify and produce correct intonation, word stress and rhythm patterns with < 50% accuracy
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Pronunciation

The learners' ability to enunciate the various consonants, consonant blends, vowels, and vowel blends in words, words linked together, and words in sentences.

The pronunciation contained some individual word pronunciation errors. Around 3-4 errors
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The pronunciation is exceptional and mirrors a native speaker. Shows a clear understanding of word stress and intonation. Only 0-2 errors
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The pronunciation is inconsistent and made it difficult to understand. 5 or more errors
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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
5164

 

Hi Oleks

This is getting very intriguing!!  I can't wait to find out what happens next!  A few changes made below.  Just one point:  When you are writing about events in the past, you need to avoid using "yesterday" or "tomorrow" as these can only be used in the present.

Yesterday, I made a small digression; now I want to return to my story.

So after the a little practice, we went home, to come back tomorrow the next/following morning. 

It was Saturday morning when I came to the club. It turned out that the only girl who wanted to jump did not come.

Her friends who came 
with her yesterday the day before with her giggled about it. Like she told them she got sick. No one believed it.

At first, [I don't quite understand what you mean hear by "At first"] the parachutes have had been folded, on the sidewalk in front of the club, before our eyes. The group of skydivers was getting ready to jump with us; so they folded their parachutes and our ones. By the way, several girls were among them.

The airfield was at the other end of the city. I went there with the friends of that missing girl; they came in a car to the club. The rest went had gone by an army truck.

(to be continued)

 

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Ros
Thank you! I will try not to disappoint you.

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Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

By "at first" I meant that this action was done before our departure.

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kjcoffin's picture
I learn : Spanish (Intermediate)
2230

Yesterday, I made a small digression. Now I want to return to my story.

So After the little practice, we went home (no comma) to come back tomorrow morning.

It was Saturday morning when I came to the club. It turned out that the only girl who wanted to jump did not come.

Her friends who came yesterday with her giggled about it. Like She told them she got sick, but no one believed it.

At first, the parachutes have been were folded (no comma) on the sidewalk in front of the club before our eyes. The group of skydivers was were (You would use the "were" because you are referring to more than one skydiver) getting ready to jump with us, so they folded their parachutes and our ones as well as ours. By the way, several girls were among them.

The airfield was at/on the other end of the city. I went there with friends of that missing girl, but/while they came in a car to the club. The rest went by an army truck.

(to be continued)

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Kjcoffin
Thank you! I thought that if I refer to "the group" I need to use "was".

0
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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
5998

You are getting better each time you post a new text. Keep it up!

Yesterday, I made a small digression; now I want to return to my story.

So, [comma needed] after the a little practice, we went home [no comma] to come back tomorrow the next/following morning.

It was Saturday morning when I came to the club. It turned out that the only girl who wanted to jump did not had not come.

Her friends who came had come with her yesterday the day before giggled about it. It seemed like she told them she got sick, but no one believed it.

At first, the parachutes have been were folded [no comma] on the sidewalk in front of the club before our eyes. The group of skydivers was were getting ready to jump with us, so, they folded their parachutes and our ones as well as ours. By the way, several girls were among them.

The airfield was at the other end of the city. I went there with the friends of that missing girl; they came in a car to the club. The rest went by an army truck.

(to be continued)

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Aliakbar
Thank you! I am going to memorize this phrase: "it seemed like" to use it later.

0
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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5415

Hi Oleks,

I can empathise with the girl who decided not to turn up. If I had to do a parachute jump, I would also be extremely nervous. I would probably end up making an excuse not to do it too haha! Well done again for going ahead with it and being so brave!

The members above me have done an excellent job of evaluating your written English. I cannot find anything else to add. Looking forward to reading and listening to your future posts smiley

5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
Oleks's picture
Oleks :
I learn : English (Beginner)
2725

Hi Edhutchins88,
Thank you for your post! I was nervous too. )) Most of all I was nervous in the plain though.

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