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Aliakbar Majidi's picture

Hi, Menahem. Good job again! Your pronunciation sounds...

17 hours 30 min ago
Aliakbar Majidi's picture

Hi, Barbara. Good job! You speak English very well,...

Wednesday, May 22, 2019 - 19:09
Aliakbar Majidi's picture

Hi, Mehahem. Ed is right, you speak English wonderfully...

Wednesday, May 22, 2019 - 18:53
Aliakbar Majidi's picture

The areas you should study at least about are the...

Wednesday, May 22, 2019 - 18:34
Aliakbar Majidi's picture

Hi, Adriano. You have done a great job! Ed has already...

Wednesday, May 22, 2019 - 18:20

hi, Our teacher asked us to write a paragraph about: what would you do if you were a president for your country/or someone who has authority?

 

The authority to impose rules is the dream of the most people, but this dream should be accompanied with many responsibilities and challenges related to Pursuing better life, creating democratic regimes, and do the best effort to make people enjoy their lives rightfully. 

If I were a person who has authority in Lebanon, I would do a lot of improvements. First, I would cancel pluralism and nepotism inside government parties. So, all people would be treated equally. Second, I would enhance traffic laws by increasing public transportation, building more parking areas, changing companies' morning work time from school shift time. Third, I would encourage universities to start to adopt practical training for students. So, they won’t find any problem related to a lack of experience when they search for a job. Fourth, I would construct recycling machines in different areas, where you can exchange bottles with money. Fifth, the last statistics of sexual violence shows that “at least 13 women have reported sexual assaults every month since the start of 2017”. So, if I were a ruler, I would sentence to death anyone who takes the right to rape any woman. Sixth, I would prevent any beggar to work on the street and establish charities which take care of them. Seventh, I would make the premiums inside public schools free till the primary levels and forcing all parents to educate their children till this level as a minimum.  Finally, I would provide electricity for 24 hours with free Wi-Fi.

                                                                                 

 

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Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

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Punctuation

The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

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Spelling

The learners' ability to form words with the correct letters in the correct order

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Style

The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

Mostly understandable. However, there are a few errors which cause confusion.
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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
3498

Hi Iman. Hope you are doing well. Have you ever thought of really becoming an authority? I think you could be a game changer in case you become one. I think you have thought about many aspects of your society and it could be a goal for you! Regarding your text, I rewrote it with some suggestions, please take a look.

 

Having the authority to impose rules is the dream of the most people, but this dream should be accompanied with many responsibilities and challenges related to Pursuing a better life, creating democratic regimes, and doing (parallel structures) the one’s best effort to make people enjoy their lives rightfully. 

If I were a person who had authority in Lebanon, I would do a lot of improvements. First, I would cancel pluralism and nepotism inside government parties. So, all people would be treated equally. Second, I would enhance traffic laws by increasing public transportation services, building more parking areas, changing making companies' morning work time different from school shift time. Third, I would encourage universities to start to adopt practical training for students. So, they won’t find any problem related to a lack of experience when they search (also, looking) for a job. Fourth, I would construct recycling machines in different areas, where you can exchange bottles with money. Fifth, the last latest statistics of sexual violence shows that “at least 13 women have reported sexual assaults every month since the start of 2017”. So, if I were a ruler, I would sentence to death anyone who takes the considers their right to rape any woman. Sixth, I would prevent any beggar to from working on the street and establish charities which would take care of them. Seventh, I would make the premiums inside public schools free till for the primary levels grades and forcing force all parents to educate their children till this level up to those grades as a minimum.  Finally, I would provide 24-hour electricity for 24 hours with and free Wi-Fi.

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iman mohammed's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate)
532

I am delighted for your comments

 

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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
3860

Hello Iman,

Wow! If only there were more people like you in government! Our world would be a lot better. I wish all people were treated equally in England (where I live) but this is not the case, unfortunately. The majority of the politicians in our government only care about themselves and how much money they can make.  Let's hope things change for the better in the future!

With regards to your English, I am really impressed with it. Aliakbar has done a very good job of evaluating your work. Please see some additional points from me

1. to Pursuing a better life "pursuing" does not need to have a capital letter in the middle of a sentence

2. and do the best effort to make people enjoy their lives ... (in English, we make an effort to do something. You cannot "do an effort" So that you do not repeat yourself, I would suggest writing the sentence like this ) "and doing our best / our utmost to ensure people enjoy their lives"

3. I would do a lot of improvements -> I would make a lot of improvements

4. I would encourage universities to start to adopt practical training for students -> I would encourage universities to start adopting practical training programs / courses (when you talk about ongoing processes it's best to use the present continuous tense)

5. So, they won’t find any problem related to (I would say it is more common to "have problems" in English. Remember if you are talking about more than one problem, ensure this is in the plural form. As you are talking about what you WOULD do, ensure you are consistent when using the conditional tense) So they would not have any problems related to...

6. Same here -> where you can exchange bottles with money. where you could exchange your bottles for money.

7. the latest statistics of sexual violence shows- the latest statistics of sexual viokence show that (I show, you show, he/she/it shows, we show, they (in this case, the statistics)... show)

8. Sixth, I would prevent any beggar from working on the street I would prevent beggars from working on the streets.  - No need for the word "any" here.

 

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iman mohammed's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate)
532

well appreciated.

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BeckyGreenBeans's picture
I learn : Spanish (Beginner)
3919

Hi! 

Thanks for this!

Just a few changes in addition to the ones mentioned above:

- 'If I were a person of authority in Lebanon, I would improve standards of living. Firstly, I would cancel pluralism and nepotism inside government parties, so that all people would be treated equally.' - Don't forget to make use of conjunctions such as 'and' and 'so' in order to tie your sentences together. Unless we're writing a blog or informal piece of communications, we don't start sentences with 'So'. Watch out for this in the rest of your extract.

- I would also change 'Second', 'Third', 'Fourth', 'Fifth', 'Sixth' and 'Seventh' to 'Secondly', 'Thirdly', 'Fourthly', 'Fifthly', 'Sixthly' and 'Seventhly'

I can't spot any spelling mistakes, so well done on the level of accuracy on that again. 

Thanks,

Becky :)

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iman mohammed's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate)
532

well noted and appreciated Becky,

Thanks alot

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Karin Brauner's picture
I learn : French (Beginner)
1710

Hi! I will add the corrections in a different colour within your original text:

 

The authority to impose rules is the dream of the most people, but this dream comes with many responsibilities and challenges related to Pursuing a better life, creating democratic regimes, and making an effort help people enjoy their lives fully 

If I were a person in a position of  authority in Lebanon, I would make a lot of improvements. First, I would cancel pluralism and nepotism inside political parties. I would make it so all people would be treated equally. Second, I would enhance traffic laws by increasing public transportation, building more parking areas, changing companies' morning work time from clashing with the school run. Third, I would encourage universities to start implementing practical training for students, to help them gain work experience. By doing this, they won’t find any problem related to a lack of experience when they search for a job. Fourth, I would construct recycling machines in different areas, where you can exchange bottles with money. Fifth, the last statistics of sexual violence shows that “at least 13 women have reported sexual assaults every month since the start of 2017”.,So, if I were a ruler, I would sentence to death anyone who is convicted of rape. Sixth, I would prevent any beggar to work on the street and establish charities that take care of them. Seventh, I would make the premiums inside public schools free till the primary levels and encourage all parents to educate their children at home up to this level..  Finally, I would provide electricity  around the clock, as well as  free Wi-Fi everywhere.

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