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edhutchins88's picture

Hi Oleks,

It sounds like there is trouble ahead...

6 hours 28 min ago
Oleks's picture

Thank you, Kealin!

17 hours 26 min ago
Oleks's picture

Hi Kealin! Thank you! "Won't be able to" sounds better...

17 hours 27 min ago
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you! I will need to learn conditional...

17 hours 28 min ago
kjcoffin's picture

...

18 hours 25 min ago

The demon that almost swallowed me

Oh! How beautiful, nice, cool, gentle, kind he was (and still is). He was all I could dream of. I knew he would be my path to happiness even though he was my first passion.
Oh, yes, the uneasy heartbeat every time he stared at me or when we touched or even in my all-too-sweet dreams. It was as if it were just a matter of time to our wedding.
But he was cruel with my naive dreams...
I, being the kid that I was (in fact, I was the youngest of the class), tried as hard as I could to be near him, talk to him, touch him, cut a strand of hair so that I would have something to worship.
He got mad. He wouldn't even look at my face. And the angrier he got, the sadder and needier I got. I was digging my tomb. But I couldn't do anything else: he was my only deity, and I was his volunteer slave.
But then, as everything was turning darker and darker, and the despite for live was growing astonishingly and all my hopes were being demolished, I thought my most relieving thought: if there's no hope left and I admit I myself am rotten, then there's no doubt, it's time to save myself from all the suffering.
And so did I try, many times.
Nowadays, I survive only because of drugs. There's the lithium, to level my mood, there's the risperidone, to make me want to live, there's passiflora, to make me relax and, last but definitely not least, there's escitalopram, the famous "happy pills".

If you ask me if I regret having tried suicide, I'd answer you by saying: what a pity that I didn't succeed.

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Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

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Punctuation

The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

There are 3-4 errors in capitalization and punctuation.
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Spelling

The learners' ability to form words with the correct letters in the correct order

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Style

The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

Mostly understandable. However, there are a few errors which cause confusion.
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Easy to understand. Writing flows and keeps reader engaged.
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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5940

Hello Hipofrateu,

Is this your own work? If so it's truly fantastic. You use such descriptive, emotive language. Your style of writing is incredibly dark and gloomy but I really like it :)

Just a few points:

 

1. "the despite for live" - I'm not too sure what you mean here. This phrase does not make sense. Could you perhaps tell me what you want to say?

 

2. When you said "volunteer slave" I think it would sound better to say "voluntary slave" as "voluntary" is the adjective which describes what the type of slave she is.

 

3. "And the angrier he got, the sadder and needier I got" - just a minor point but the use of get tends to be used in speech and informal writing (i.e. "Hello Mum, can you get me some milk from the shops on your way home) . As I would class this piece of writing as a formal one, it would be better for you to use the verb "to become". So it would sound better for you to say "And the angrier he became then sadder and needier I became". Does that make sense?

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Karin Brauner's picture
I learn : French (Beginner)
1710

Hi! 

Really well written piece. Enjoyed reading it and it transported me to where you were and what you were possibly feeling!

The only question I have is on this sentence which I'm not sure I understand, maybe you can rephrase?: and the despite for live was growing astonishingly and all my hopes were being demolished,

I agree with Edmund, voluntary slave does sound better and even tough "got/get" are fine, it's more poetic and more lyrical to use "to become"...it adds intensity to your already intense text! 

 

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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
5519

Oh wow!  So poignant, so poetic and so beautiful!  It's quite breathtaking!  And all the more amazing because English isn't your native language.  Only a very few pointers for you.  I am also puzzled by "despite for live".  Could you paraphrase it for me perhaps?  I quite like "volunteer slave" as it almost sounds like a job title!

These are really little points:  You would say "youngest in the class" rather than "of the class".  And you would dig a grave - where we make a hole in the earth and then bury someone but you would build a tomb to encase a body.  

I'm so impressed.  Please write more for us! ;)

 

Ros

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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
6248

Hi Hipofrateu. Outstanding! This piece of writing is extremely well written, yet romantic and poignant. You have great writing abilities. Keep up the good work! I have rewritten the text for you so that you can compare it to the original and further improve your skills. Please let me know in case you have any questions.

 

Oh! How beautiful, nice, cool, gentle, and kind he was (and still is). He was all I could dream of. I knew he would be my path to happiness even though he was my first passion.
Oh, yes, I felt the uneasy heartbeat every time he stared at me or when we touched or even in my all-too-sweet dreams; as if it was just a matter of time before we got married.
But he was cruel with my naive dreams...
I, being the kid that I was (in fact, I was the youngest of the class), tried as hard as I could to be near him, talk to him, touch him, cut a strand of his hair so that I would have something to worship.
He got mad. He wouldn't even look at my face. And the angrier he became, the sadder and needier I became. I was digging my tomb. But I couldn't do anything more: he was my only deity, and I was his voluntary slave.
But then, as everything was turning darker and darker, and my craving for him was growing astonishingly and all my hopes were being demolished, I thought of my most relieving thought: if there's no hope left and I admit I myself am rotten, then there's no doubt, it's time to save myself from all the suffering.
And so did I try, many times.
Nowadays, I survive only on drugs. There's lithium to level my mood, there's risperidone to make me want to live, there's passiflorine to make me relax and, last but definitely not least, there's escitalopram, the famous "happy pills".

 

Good luck!

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