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Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you very much for you thorough and detailed...

Saturday, October 19, 2019 - 17:46
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you for your notions! The text is much...

Saturday, October 19, 2019 - 17:42
tatyana's picture

Hi again , how are you ? how is it going with the Arabic...

Saturday, October 19, 2019 - 17:38
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you! "Fancied their chances" is really a...

Saturday, October 19, 2019 - 17:36
edhutchins88's picture

Hi Oleks,

Well done for intervening. Ilak was...

Saturday, October 19, 2019 - 16:14

Obesity

A few decades ago,obesity was a really uncommon problem. Kids used to play outside for hours as soon as school was over, their parents used to walk and bike to most places and parks were full of people most of the time. Nowadays, everything in our enviroment is constantly changing and we had adapted our livestyle to those changes. And while some of those changes are extremely positives, but some other aren't.

In Costa Rica, obesity has increased from 6,3% of populaton in 1975 to 23,7% in 2014. Currently most of the population is overweight. Diabetes, highblood pressure, heart, kidney and liver problems are seen as the norm. Young adults are getting these health problems earlier. And while these problems and how to avoid them is well known for the population, their lack of concern and interest don't allow them to do the required changes to their lifestyle.

We life in a time where technology advances way faster making everything easier to do. Chores that used to take several hours, now can be done within a few minutes with no effort using the right appliance. Which means we have more free time to expend in a way we believe is the best. Unfortunately if we use all our free time in entretainment, hobbies and even more work, but not for exercise; we are creating a sedentary lifestyle, which it's going to charge us an big bill, one that we can't pay . The only way to defeat obesity is if each of us chooses to.

 

 

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Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

There are 3-4 grammatical errors
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Punctuation

The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

There are 3-4 errors in capitalization and punctuation.
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Spelling

The learners' ability to form words with the correct letters in the correct order

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Style

The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

Mostly understandable. However, there are a few errors which cause confusion.
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Easy to understand. Writing flows and keeps reader engaged.
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Quite hard to understand.
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Karin Brauner's picture
I learn : French (Beginner)
1710

 

Great effort!

Have you heard of run-on sentences? I think some of your sentences need a bit of punctuation, maybe some semi-colons, so they don't get confusing or "run-on".

A few errors but nothing major - I could understand what you were saying! 

I will leave you some suggestions on how to amend your text below. I will highlight these or cross out anything I don't think should be there.

____________________________________________

A few decades ago,obesity was an really uncommon problem. Kids used to play outside for hours as soon as school was over ; their parents used to walk and bike to most places ;  parks were full of people most of the time. Nowadays, everything in our enviroment is constantly changing and we have adapted our lifestyle to those changes. And While some of those changes are extremely positives, but some others aren't.

In Costa Rica, obesity has increased from 6,3% of the population in 1975 to 23,7% in 2014. Currently , most of the population is overweight. Diabetes, highblood pressure, heart, kidney and liver problems are seen as the norm. Young adults are getting these health problems earlier., and while information about these problems and how to avoid them is well known for the population, their lack of concern and interest doesn't allow them to make the required  lifestyle changes to their lifestyle.

We live  in a time where technological advances are way faster, making everything easier to do. Chores that used to take several hours, now can be done within a few minutes, with no effort, using the right appliance. Which This means we have more free time to spend in a ways we believe are best. Unfortunately, if we use all our free time in entretainment, hobbies and even more work, but not for exercise, we are creating a sedentary lifestyle, which it's going to cost us big time, one that we can't pay . The only way to defeat obesity is if each of us chooses to do so.

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edmundhutchings's picture
I learn : English (Beginner) French (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) German (Beginner)
788

That was an excellent piece of writing - very well done!

Like Karin says, you could do with making your sentences a bit shorter and break them up a bit more, but that will come with practice.

 

Just a few things I've spotted:

 their parents used to walk and bike to most places and The verb we should use here is "cycle". The noun is bike. And the verb is "to cycle". So the correct way would be "their parents used to walk and cycle to most places"

 

highblood pressure, this should be two separate words "high blood pressure"

if we use all our free time in entretainment, it would sound more natural to say "if we spend all of our free time on/doing/at etc..."

 

 

 

 

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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
6073

Wow!  Brilliant writing and very valid points.  Because you are so good I have been very "picky" in correcting this but truly, there are very few errors and the writing flows beautifully.  So - I have made my corrections and put my comments in square brackets [ ] .

Writing is one of the most difficult language skills.  Keep practising and well done!

A few decades ago, obesity was a really uncommon problem.  Kids used to play outside for hours as soon as school was over; [A semi-colon is useful here to separate two sentences with main verbs] their parents used to walk and bike to most places and parks were full of people most of the time.  Nowadays, everything in our environment [There’s an “n” in the middle of “environment”] is constantly changing and we have adapted[use the present perfect, not the past perfect here] our lifestyle [lifestyle with an “f” not “v”] to those changes, and while some of those changes are extremely positive, some are not. [We don’t need but because we are using the word “while” and if we use “are not” rather than “aren’t” it adds emphasis to our point].

In Costa Rica, obesity has increased from 6.,3% of the populaton [We use the point rather than the comma in decimals in English] and add “the” before the word “population”]in 1975 to 23.7% in 2014. Currently most of the population is overweight.  Diabetes, high blood pressure [3 separate words here], heart, kidney and liver problems are seen as the norm.  Young adults are getting these health problems earlier, and while these problems and how to avoid them are [“Health problems and how to avoid them” are two things, so we use “are” rather than “is”]well known throughout [“Throughout” is clearer here than “for”] the population, people’s [I changed this to “peoople’s” to be clearlack of concern and interest doesn't allow them to make the required changes to their lifestyle.

We live in a time where technology advances way faster, making everything easier to do.  Chores that used to take several hourscan now be done within a few minutes with no effort, using the right appliances. This means we have more free time to expend in a way we believe is the best.  Unfortunately, if we use all our free time for entertainment, hobbies and even more work - but not for exercise, we are creating a sedentary lifestyle, which it's going to charge us a big bill - one that we can't pay.   The only way to defeat obesity is if each of us chooses to.

 

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BeckyGreenBeans's picture
I learn : Spanish (Beginner)
4114

Hi! Thanks for this. I only spotted two major spelling error: 'environment' needed an 'n' in it and 'entretainment' should have been 'entertainment'. These words are easy to get wrong and it looks like you've spelled them how you hear them, so my advice would be just to remember that not everything is spelled like it sounds in English. It might help for you to read up on silent letters?

Great use of some of the terms that we use in English, e.g.: 'the norm'. I'd recommend continuing to learn these for building into your writing.

I would have rephrased the last sentence to 'The only way we are going to defeat obesity is by each of us choosing to'. This includes the audience in your phrase using the pronoun 'we', as you do throughout the rest of this final paragraph. 

Thanks, Becky :)

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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
6493

Great effort, Morris! This is a wonderful and informative piece of writing. I am actually to begin thinking ways not to get obese. Regarding your text, here is a rewritten version. As Karin has pointed out, you have to be more careful with how you define the borders for your sentences so as not to make them vague. Keep on practicing and learning. Good luck!

Obesity

A few decades ago, obesity was an uncommon problem. Kids used to play outside for hours as soon as school was over; their parents used to walk and bike to most places, and parks were full of people most of the time. Nowadays, everything in our environment is constantly changing and we have adapted our lifestyles to those changes. And while some of those changes are extremely positives, some others are not.

In Costa Rica, obesity has increased from 6.3% of the population in 1975 to 23.7% in 2014. Currently, most of the population is overweight. Diabetes, high blood pressure, heart, kidney, and liver problems are seen as the norm. Young adults are getting these health problems earlier in life; and while information regarding these problems and how to avoid them is well known to the population, their lack of concern and interest doesn’t allow them to make the required changes to their lifestyles.

We live in a time where technological advances are way faster, making everything easier to do. Chores that used to take several hours now can be done within a few minutes, with no effort, using the right appliance. This means we have more free time to spend in the way we believe is best. Unfortunately, we spend all our free time on entertainment, hobbies and even more work, but not exercising. We are developing a sedentary lifestyle which is going to cost us big time, one that we can't pay. The only way to defeat obesity is that each of us starts fighting it.

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