Lingorocks leaderboard

Recent Comments

BeckyGreenBeans's picture

Hi Oleks,

Thanks for this.

Here, you say '...

1 min 10 sec ago
BeckyGreenBeans's picture

Hi,

Thanks for this. I can see your creative...

23 min 29 sec ago
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you for your comment and corrections! I...

4 hours 24 min ago
Oleks's picture

Thank you, Kealin! I will try to use shorter sentences...

4 hours 31 min ago
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! At the time I myself was only sitting at the...

4 hours 37 min ago

Information: The Butterfly Effect

It is said that information is power, and in my opinion that’s true, and as real as the need to be very careful with the information we are receiving every day. It is often claimed that newspapers and other media have to be read in order to stay in touch with the world, to know what’s going on out there. Personally, I think we need to get used to comparing the way every newspaper tells the story, searching for sources, and trying to find out what the agenda of the newspaper is.

 

Fake news stuff warned us not to believe every note, headline or breaking news we see, no matter Country or journalist, mainstream or blogger. I recommended searching for sources, keeping sharp-eyes on the angle of the story, and reading the same topic from different Countries. As least if we don’t want to be used as cannon fodders in the war on propaganda.

 

It is known that, in our tight-interconnected world, the Butterfly Effect is absolutely real: If a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a hurricane can be produced in America. E.g. the war on drugs has sent waves of unrest and violence all over the world, and its effects can be felt even in our neighborhoods.

 

Is important for us to understand that, in fact, the communication business is about power, control and money, the truth is only something to be used or maybe avoided, and what happens in one place could affect the entire planet. The good of our beloved ones must persuaded us to stay alert, to try to find out the underlaying truth every day, and even more important in my point of view, encouraged us to learn how to read the reality in this changing and deceiving world.

Undefined
Select Language: 
CategoryAdequate to goodGood to ExcellentNeeds work
Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

There are 3-4 grammatical errors
People thought this
2
There are 0-2 grammatical errors
People thought this
0
There are 5 or more grammatical errors
People thought this
0
Punctuation

The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

There are 3-4 errors in capitalization and punctuation.
People thought this
0
There are 0-2 errors in capitalization and punctuation.
People thought this
1
There are 5 or more errors in capitalization and punctuation.
People thought this
1
Spelling

The learners' ability to form words with the correct letters in the correct order

There are 3-4 spelling errors
People thought this
0
There are 0-2 spelling errors
People thought this
2
There are 5 or more spelling errors
People thought this
0
Style

The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

Mostly understandable. However, there are a few errors which cause confusion.
People thought this
1
Easy to understand. Writing flows and keeps reader engaged.
People thought this
2
Quite hard to understand.
People thought this
0
edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5885

Hello AdrianJZB, 

Welcome to Lingora. 

Im so impressed with your written English. It's very hard for me to find things you need to work on. I completely agree with you - we all need to make sure we don't just stick to reading one newspaper/website and ensure we read a wide variety of them. 

Here are just a few (very minor things) I found with regards to your text. 

1. It is often claimed that newspapers and other media have to be read in order to stay in touch with the world, to know what’s going on out there "It is often claimed that newspapers and other media have to be read in order for us to stay in touch with the world, so we know what's going on out there. 

2. searching for sources, and trying to find out what the agenda of the newspaper is. Minor (punctuation related) point but you don't need to put a comma before the word "and". 

3. Fake news stuff  you don't need the word "stuff" here. (Everyone should be familiar with the term "Fake News") Alternatively you could put something like "The Fake News scandal/crisis".

4. no matter Country or journalist, mainstream or blogger. no matter which country, journalist, mainstream news source or blogger you follow. 

 

5. and reading the same topic from different Countries.and reading about the same topic from different countries.  (In English, you read about something)

 

6. tight-interconnected world, (you don't need a hyphen here, but a comma) in our tight, interconnected world. 

 

7. The good of our beloved ones must persuaded us to stay alert (This sentence does not make too much sense. I would say something like "For the sake of the people we love / loved ones, we must ensure we stay alert." The term "beloved ones" is not frequently used in English. You might say a person is beloved but even that is not common. (It is a seldom used word.) A person is loved and you have loved ones.

 

8. encouraged us to learn how to read the reality in this changing and deceiving world.  As you are talking about what we should do now, in the present you need to use the present tense. "encourage us to learn how to read...."

 

Comment Rating : 
5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thank you very much, I really appreciate your comments

Comment Rating : 
0
No votes yet
disarli's picture
I learn : Spanish (Beginner)
10

AdrianJZB, this is a powerful piece of writing.  You clearly have a strong opinion and are expressing your ideas forcefully.  Good for you!

Here are some suggestions to make this an even stronger essay:

"Personally" is redundant with "I think", so I would drop "personally".

There is a three legged verb in one sentence, and the tense of the verbs should match across the legs (clauses, I guess).  For example:

I think we need to get used to comparing the way every newspaper tells the story, searches for sources, and tries to find out what the agenda of the newspaper is.

"stuff" is a weak word to use in written speech.  Maybe:

Claims (shouts?) of fake news tell us not to believe every note, ...

recommended -> recommend (in this instance)

sharp-eyes ->  a sharp eye on ...  (that is a bit of an idiom)

Countries -> countries  (not capitalized)

"As least if we don’t want to be used as cannon fodders in the war on propaganda."  The first word is a typo, you wanted "At".  Nevertheless, this is really a sentence fragment, which may be useful in, say, a speech you will give to an audience live, but in a written essay, it is not recommended.  You can turn this sentence fragment into a complete sentence by writing something before the "if", or removing the if and just making the strong, clear statement "We don't want to be cannon fodder..."

"tight-interconnected" -> tightly interconnected (no hyphen)

By the way, the Butterfly Effect is not a direct law, just a reminder that tiny changes in initial conditions can lead to large chaotic results.

"A butterfly flapping its wings in China leads to a hurricane in America."

[That butterfly must be found and stopped!  (joke)]
·
Your example is more the "law of unintended consequences" rather than the Butterfly Effect.  But that's for you to argue in your essay. :-)

If you drop "Is important for us to understand that," (Need an It as first word), then your writing comes across as much more forceful and compelling:

Compare:

"It is important for us to understand that, in fact, the communication business is about power, ..."

vs.

"In fact, the communication business is about power, ..."

You need to start a second sentence with "The truth is only something ..."

Again, if you leave off "in my point of view", your text is stronger.  This is an essay.  We know you have a point of view, that's why we are reading it.  You don't have to remind us that it is your opinion.

Comment Rating : 
0
No votes yet
AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thank you very much, I'm going to work in this 

Comment Rating : 
0
No votes yet
BeckyGreenBeans's picture
I learn : Spanish (Beginner)
4104

Hi Adrian,

Thanks for this! As Edmund has mentioned above, your English is of a high standard and you don't seem to make many errors at all.

The main thing I noticed was the overuse of commas. The overall tone of your sentences is brilliant and you don't need punctuation to get this tone across. Your sentence structure is pretty much spot on! :)

I've made a few comments below:

- It is said that information is power,and in my opinion, that’s true. We need to be very careful with the information we are receiving every day - (Just be careful with your placing of commas)

- It is often claimed that newspapers and other media have to be read in order to stay in touch with the world to know what’s going on out there - (You don't need a comma after world)

- You don't need a capital letter for 'country'

- I recommend searching for sources, keeping an eye on the angle of the story from different countries - (I don't think you need to say 'a sharp eye'; keeping an eye on it seems to make your point enough. Also, 'recommended' should be 'recommend'

- We don't want to be used as cannon fodders in the war on propaganda - (Not sure you need 'as least' - also, was this meant to be 'at least'?)

- Within our tight-interconnected world, the butterfly effect is real; if a butterfly flaps its wings in China, a hurricane can be produced in America. In other words, the war on drugs has sent waves of unrest and violence all over the world, and its effects can even be felt in our neighbourhoods. - (Use English spelling of 'neighbourhoods'. Could you use 'in other words' instead of 'E.g.'? I've also restructured the first part of your sentence.)

- It is important for us to understand that the world of the media is about power, control and money. - (Start a new sentence here. Also, you don't need to use 'in fact'. I would probably refer to the 'communication business' as 'media' too.)

Thanks,

Becky :)

Comment Rating : 
0
No votes yet
AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thank you very much for taking your time, I really appreciate all your comments. 

Comment Rating : 
0
No votes yet
Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
6238

Well done, Adrian! This is a great piece of writing. Keep up the good work.

Remember that in order to improve your English skills and to get the most out of your time, it is important to post regularly so that you can see where you need to improve and try avoiding the same mistakes (or errors) next time you post something. This is how these corrections will stick in your mind and you will automatically avoid the same mistakes.

  • Regarding your text, here are some points to help you improve.
  • … that’s true, -> … that is true,. It is better not to use contractions in writing since they are informal.
  • Information is power. -> “Information is power.” When quoting something, it is better to use quotation marks.
  • Despite Disarli’s opinion, I think “personally” is used in the right place if it means “personally” as opposed to “professionally”.
  • power, control and money -> power, control, and money. When separating some items using commas, a comma should be after the last item before ‘and’.

Best of luck to you! Keep it up!

Comment Rating : 
0
No votes yet