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BeckyGreenBeans's picture

Hi Oleks,

Thanks for this.

Here, you say '...

Sunday, September 15, 2019 - 23:58
BeckyGreenBeans's picture

Hi,

Thanks for this. I can see your creative...

Sunday, September 15, 2019 - 23:35
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you for your comment and corrections! I...

Sunday, September 15, 2019 - 19:34
Oleks's picture

Thank you, Kealin! I will try to use shorter sentences...

Sunday, September 15, 2019 - 19:27
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! At the time I myself was only sitting at the...

Sunday, September 15, 2019 - 19:21

Scared ghosts

That night the storm was so strong than even the ghosts had hidden themselves at the old gothic church, after all they could felt that was not a natural storm, something was traying to pass through the gate of infinite and the old spirits of the town couldn't afford to rest.

At some point after midnight a powerful lightning stroke the lonely park in front of the church, the windows of the sourronding houses hardly stand the expantion wave, in fact several windows finished bronken. The electricity ran away after that and the wind howls like if a mad-giant werewolf were suddenly unleashed.

And then the gate opened and a human-shaped being passed through entering to this world. All the ghosts steped aside as if they needed to kept their inexinting breath while the alien wanderer started to walki over the grass.

The rain stopped, the wind calmed down and then one of the ghosts walked out from its shelter in order to get the foreigner. Once the strange ghost stood in front of the newcomer the other could hear these words:

- I'm glad your finally here, I waited for a long, long time.

- Almost 7000 years my friend, yours was a long watch indeed.

- 7000 years and now we have no time.

Then they fade away on the mist, and the ghosts whispered gazing to the dark skye:

- We should went to Heaven when we could, now is too late, Fenrir is on the loose...

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Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

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Punctuation

The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

There are 3-4 errors in capitalization and punctuation.
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Spelling

The learners' ability to form words with the correct letters in the correct order

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Style

The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

Mostly understandable. However, there are a few errors which cause confusion.
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Easy to understand. Writing flows and keeps reader engaged.
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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5885

Hi Adrian! Wow, that was such an amazing piece of writing! I absolutely love horror stories and this one you have written is really gripping! Who are some of your favourite authors?

Please see some of my observations:

1. the storm was so strong than even the ghosts - the storm was so strong that even the ghosts.

2. had hidden themselves at the old gothic church - had hidden themselves in the old gothic church. (They are inside the building)

3. they could felt that was not a natural storm - they could feel that it (refer to the storm) was not a natural storm.

4. traying - watch your spelling of this word: trying

5. the gate of infinite - the Gate Of Infinity (Official names of places must be capitalised. 

6. a powerful lightning stroke the lonely park- a powerful bolt of lightning struck the lonely park (the past tense of the verb "strike")

7. stroke the lonely park in front of the church, the windows of the  (you need a new sentence here) A powerful bolt of lightning struck the lonely park in front of the church. The windows of the...

8. sourronding - PAY attention to the spelling of this word: surrounding.

9. the windows of the sourronding houses hardly stand the expantion wave,  - The windows of the surrounding houses could hardly stand the power of the lightning strike.

10. in fact several windows finished bronken (You need to start a new sentence here) In fact several windows were broken / smashed (pay attention to the spelling of the word "broken")

11. The electricity ran away after that The electricity got cut off after that

12. the wind howls like if a mad-giant werewolf were suddenly unleashed. (Lovely description by the way. yes) The wind was howling (use the past continuous) as if a mad, giant werewolf were suddenly unleashed.

13. Then they fade away on the mist, Then, they faded away in the mist.

14. skye watch your spelling of this word: sky

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AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thank you very much for your time, your tips will be pretty helpful for me.

I like Poe and Lovecraft, in fact I am reading a book from Lovecraft right now.

Greetings.

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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
5885

Me too! Have you read Poe's short stories? If so, what is your favourite one? Mine is the black cat!

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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
5519

Hi Adrian and welcome!

Your writing is so poetic and mysterious.  It left me wanting to read more.  I have made a few suggestions.  A small point, but to compliment your seriously good writing, you need a full stop or semi-colon [;] between clauses which have main verbs.  With a full stop you need to start the next sentence or clause with a capital letter.  With a semi colon you don't need a capital letter.  I have marked the corrections below and made some suggestions.  You are a gifted writer.  I hope you post again soon!

That night the storm was so strong than even the ghosts had hidden themselves at  in the old gothic church,  . After all, they could felt that it was not a natural storm, . Something was traying trying to pass through the gate of infinity and the old spirits of the town couldn't afford to rest.

At some point after midnight a powerful lightning stroke struck the lonely park in front of the church, . The windows of the sourronding surrounding houses hardly stand withstood the expantion expansion wave, . In fact several windows finished up bronken. broken.[or you could say “broke under the impact”]. The electricity ran away cut out after that and the wind howled like as if a mad giant werewolf were suddenly unleashed.

And then the gate opened and a human-shaped being passed through entering the gate to this world [or just “entered this world”]. All the ghosts stepped aside as if they needed to keep [or conserve] their inexinting extinguishing? breath while the alien wanderer started to walk over the grass.

The rain stopped; the wind calmed down and then one of the ghosts walked out from its shelter in order to get [to? or “reach”]the foreigner. Once the strange ghost stood in front of the newcomer, the other could hear these words:

- I'm glad you’re finally here; I waited for a long, long time.

- Almost 7000 years my friend - yours was a long watch indeed.

- 7000 years and now we have no time.

Then they faded away on the mist, and the ghosts whispered, gazing to at the dark sky:

- We should went have gone to Heaven when we could; now it is too late; Fenrir is on the loose...

 

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AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thank you very much, I will try more because I need the practice.

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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
6238

Well done, Adrian! Your English is really good. Keep it up and you will be proficient in no time.

Regarding your text, it was an interesting read. As Ros has mentioned, your writing is really poetic and creative. In literature, grammar is not always observed strictly, however, there are rules that should be always obeyed in the English language.

 

My fellow evaluators have already mentioned many useful points; I would like to make some suggestions.

At some point after midnight -> midnight, [comma needed]

so strong than even the ghosts -> so strong that even the ghosts / much stronger than ever

I waited for a long, long time. (alternative)-> I have been waiting for a long, long time.

yours was a long watch indeed. -> that was a long wait indeed.

 

I am looking forward to your future posts. Keep it up!

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AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thank you very much for your time and advice

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