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Oleks's picture

Thank you, Kealin!

10 hours 43 min ago
Oleks's picture

Hi Kealin! Thank you! "Won't be able to" sounds better...

10 hours 44 min ago
Oleks's picture

Hi Ed! Thank you! I will need to learn conditional...

10 hours 45 min ago
kjcoffin's picture

...

11 hours 41 min ago
kjcoffin's picture

...

11 hours 51 min ago

Talking of the past

Talking of the past, I remember when I was a child that my friends and I could play all day outside, at the street or even at the river. On those days the river was clear and full of live and the street almost empty, now thew river is dead and the street is full of cars.

 

It is unlikely for the young people to understand the fact that the river was once a good place for kids, a safe place. Obviously for the ones that see the pollution, the garbage that fill the river now, might be impossible to imagine life in the deadly waters.

 

The difference is shocking, for me is the distance that separate life and dead. And only at this moment we start to understand that in fact my generation (and I have to include myself) is highly responsible for the damage. We had taught that the water was something eternal and the river could take whatever we do… We were so wrong.

 

Now we have to something, and some of us are doing something, yet the damage is so deep that the new generations will have to fix a lot of our mistakes. I always regret not watching the truth before.

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Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

There are 3-4 grammatical errors
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Punctuation

The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

There are 3-4 errors in capitalization and punctuation.
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Spelling

The learners' ability to form words with the correct letters in the correct order

There are 3-4 spelling errors
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Style

The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

Mostly understandable. However, there are a few errors which cause confusion.
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Easy to understand. Writing flows and keeps reader engaged.
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Quite hard to understand.
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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
5519

Good morning, Adrian!

A worthy topic and well written.  Just a few corrections below.  Well done.

Ros

 

at [on] the street or even at [in] the river 

full of live [life].

Obviously for the ones that [who] see the pollution, the garbage [garbage is uncountable] that fill[s] the river now, [it] might be impossible to imagine life in the[se] deadly waters.

The difference is shocking,[.] [F]or me [it] is the distance that separate[s] life and dead [death]. And only at this moment [do] we start to understand that in fact my generation (and I have to include myself) is highly responsible for the damage. We had taught [thought] that the water was something eternal and the river could take whatever we do [did]… We were so wrong. 

 

Now we have to [do] something, and some of us are doing something,[;] yet the damage is so deep that the new generations  will have to fix a lot of our mistakes. I always regret not watching [seeing/realising] the truth before.

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5
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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
6248

Hi Adrian. Good job! Ros has already mentioned several useful tips. Here are some more just to fine tune things a bit:

- On those days the river was clear and full of life and the street was almost empty. -> parallel structures

 To me, it is the distance that separates life and death. -> Since the sentence expresses an opinion, I would prefer "to", also a comma is needed.

the water was something eternal -> I believe you are talking about "water" in general.

Keep it up!

 
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5
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kjcoffin's picture
I learn : Spanish (Intermediate)
2743

Talking of the past, I remember when I was a child that my friends and I could play all day outside, at on the street or even at the river. On In those days the river was clear and full of live life, and the street almost empty. Now thew the river is dead and the street is full of cars.

 

It is unlikely for the young people to understand the fact that the river was once a good and safe place for kids. Obviously for the ones that see the pollution and the garbage that fill fills the river now, it might be impossible to imagine life in the deadly waters.

 

The difference is shocking, The shocking difference for me is the distance that separate separates life and dead death. And only at this moment we start to understand that in fact the fact that my generation (and I have to include myself) is highly responsible for the damage. We had taught that the water was something eternal and the river could take whatever we do did… We were so wrong.

 

Now we have to do something. Some of us are doing something, yet the damage is so deep that the new generations will have to fix a lot of our mistakes. I always regret not watching the truth before.

Comment Rating : 
5
Average: 5 (1 vote)
BeckyGreenBeans's picture
I learn : Spanish (Beginner)
4114

Hi,

Your writing is so descriptive and I very much enjoy reading it!

You're clearly creative when it comes to writing, so keep practising!

Just one thing to note as well as the corrections made above; I don't think you need to open the extract with 'Talking of the past'. You could just open it with 'I remember that back when I was child, I would play outside with my friends all day, at the street or even at the river.'  

Thanks,

Becky :)

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5
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AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
645

Thanks for your help

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