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Jesus's picture

Hoy escuche, que en Madrid los turistas se quejan del...

Friday, July 19, 2019 - 22:09
Jesus's picture

Hoy escuche, que en Madrid las o los...

Friday, July 19, 2019 - 21:55
Kawaii_Baguette's picture

*et ne s'utilise pas dans le même contexte

...
Friday, July 19, 2019 - 14:22
Kawaii_Baguette's picture

Bonjour !

Tout d'abord, bravo pour votre travail...

Friday, July 19, 2019 - 14:20
Lynette's picture

Gracias Adrian, Quiero que debo es estudiar un poco mas...

Friday, July 19, 2019 - 11:38

The tall woman

While the frightened ghosts was complaining bitterly about their excessive delay, a pair of wild, dark green eyes watched the scene from the top of the ancient church. In spite of the fact that the whole thing was disturbing, the eyes seemed quite calmed.

 

Once the alien and the strange ghost faded away in the mist, a tall and strong woman dropped from the roof of the church and her wild, dark green eyes stared with contempt at the scared ghosts.

 

     - You are worthless, don’t deserve the gifts of darkness.

 

She said and then she departed in silence. She had no fear, but she was clear that the news needed to be known. After all the Elders had sent her to that place to watch in case something came through the Gate. And something, indeed, came through.

 

    - Now the clock is ticking and the time for all the realms fades quickly. Millennia proved not to be enough so as to be ready for this.

 

She told to herself.

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Grammatical Accuracy

The learners ability to use nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. correctly in sentences, using verb tenses accurately, and having the correct agreement between subjects and predicates. For instance, one would say "they were" instead of "they was."

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The learner's ability to use certain marks to clarify meaning of their writing by grouping words grammatically into sentences and clauses and phrases.

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The learner's ability to tailor the written work to fit the specific context, purpose, or audience

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edhutchins88's picture
I learn : Chinese (Beginner) French (Beginner) German (Beginner) Portuguese (Beginner) Spanish (Beginner) Arabic (Beginner)
4480

Hi Adrian,

That was another fantastic piece of descriptive writing! I absolutely love Gothic Fiction! I particularly loved this phrase "and her wild, dark green eyes stared with contempt at the scared ghosts."

Please see some of my further observations

1. While the frightened ghosts was complaining bitterly about their excessive delay While the frightened ghosts WERE complaining bitterly about their excessive delay (You are describing more than one ghost, so use "were" instead of was.

2. the eyes seemed quite calmed. (calmed is the past simple and past participle of calm. In this case, you need the adjective "calm" to describe the eyes) the eyes seemed quite calm

3. a tall and strong woman dropped from the roof of the church (we tend to use the verb "drop" when something falls or we allow something to fall. For example; "I dropped my keys" "Ed dropped his sunglasses in/into the fountain.") a tall and strong woman FELL from the roof of the church.

4. You are worthless, don’t deserve the gifts of darkness. You are worthless, YOU don't deserve the gifts of darkness.

5. After all the Elders had sent her to that place to watch in case something came through the Gate - (would suggest putting a comma after "After all" to break up the sentence", After all, the Elders had sent her to that place to watch in case something came through the Gate

6. the time for all the realms fades quickly - the time for all the realms IS FADING quickly -

7. Millennia proved not to be enough so as to be ready for this.  Millennia proved that she was not ready for this.

8. She told to herself. She told herself.

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kjcoffin's picture
I learn : Spanish (Intermediate)
1475

While the frightened ghosts was were complaining bitterly about their excessive delay, a pair of wild, dark green eyes watched the scene from the top of the ancient church. In spite of the fact that the whole thing was disturbing, the eyes seemed quite calmed.

 

Once the alien and the strange ghost faded away in the mist, a tall and strong woman dropped from the roof of the church and her wild, dark green eyes stared with contempt at the scared ghosts.

 

     - You are worthless, don’t deserve the gifts of darkness. (Sentence can be rewritten as, "You are worthless! You don't deserve the gifts of darkness," OR "You are worthless and don't deserve the gifts of darkness.")

 

She said it and then she departed in silence. She had no fear, but she was clear that the news needed to be known. After all, the Elders had sent her to that place to watch in case something came through the Gate. And something, indeed, came through.

 

    - Now the clock is ticking and the time for all the realms fades quickly. Millennia proved not to be enough so as to be ready for this. (Can say, "Millennia proved not to be ready for this") 

 

She told to herself.

 

Good job on the writing, keep going

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Ros Watson's picture
I learn : Italian (Beginner) French (Beginner)
4019

Hi Adrian

Most corrections have already been made.   I may be wrong but I don't think the woman fell from the roof (as she clearly has magical powers). You could therefore say "dropped down" from the roof.  

"....and something indeed came through"  I would use the past perfect "something indeed had come through" as we're referring to a situation that had previously happened but was relevent to the situation.

Keep writing Adrian.  I really enjoy reading your posts!  Ros

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AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
465

Thank you again Ros, you are very helpful

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Aliakbar Majidi's picture
I learn : French (Beginner) Persian (Expert) Spanish (Beginner)
4813

Hi Adrian. You have done a good job with this piece of writing. Keep up the good work. Several corrections have already made and I believe they are very useful. I also agree with Ros's comment. Here is another tip regarding using multiple adjectives for a noun: 

When there are two or more adjectives that are from the same group, the word and is placed between the two adjectives:

  1. The house is green and red.
  2. The library has old and new books.

When there are three or more adjectives from the same adjective group, place a comma between each of the coordinate adjectives:

  1. We live in the big green, white and red house at the end of the street.
  2. My friend lost a red, black and white watch.

A comma is not placed between an adjective and the noun.

Therefore for the phrase "wild, dark green eyes" you do not need the comma and regarding the phrase "tall and strong woman", you have used "and" correctly.

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AdrianJZB's picture
I learn : English (Intermediate) Portuguese (Intermediate)
465

Thank you very much Aliakbar, I'll take this into account, good advice.

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BeckyGreenBeans's picture
I learn : Spanish (Beginner)
4039

Hi Adrian,

Thanks again for this.

I'd recommend rewording your first sentence: Whilst the frightened and bitter ghosts were complaining about their excessive delay, a pair of wild, dark green eyes watched the scene from the top of the ancient church. In spite of the fact that the whole thing was disturbing, the eyes seemed quite calm. (- I'd maybe try rewording what you're trying to say about the eyes; are they 'wild' or 'calm?' The contrast of the two confused me a little bit. Should it be one or the other? 

Thanks,

Becky :)

 

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